Saturday, 31 July 2010

Shot Mamas......




I was watching a little bit of "Risky Business" with Tom Cruise recently and was reminded of a couple of Friday evenings spent with the 'Clocks. We'd go out to a little plaza, and this particular club, the Dockside, had 3 bars.

There was a downstairs bar which was a fake casino, because in those days, gambling was illegal in South Florida, then an upstairs bar playing House music, the then current flavour, and an outdoor bar which was essentially a pontoon some 30 feet by 50 feet, floating in the middle of a lake full of Alligators, nice!

There was a neon style clock with a temperature gauge beside it near the actual bar, I remember one night at midnight the temperature was 100 degrees, and in the distance, in the clouds, an electrical storm was brewing....

On the pontoon bar, they had what Bob A called "Shot Mamas", young, gorgeous looking gals, usually dressed in mini skirts and skimpy tops. They had a type of gun belt around their hips, off of which hung shot glasses, looking like bullets, and where the gun holsters were hung bottles, usually Jack Daniels and Tequila. For a Dollar the "Shot Mama" would banter and give you a shot. A great opportunity to engage with a lovely looking woman, and get wasted too!

We got back to Bob J's apartment pretty drunk and attempted to smoke our own body weight in Dirt Weed. Bob's lady must've been away visiting her parents. I can't recall her name but she worked at a big hospital in Miami, in the maternity unit, helping to care for for the epidemic of crack babies which was happening at the time.

Anyway, the subject soon got round to sex, and the Bobs suggested we call the local dial-a-hooker service. There were a ton of ads in the back of the Sun Sentinel, the local paper, tho' most claimed to be lonely hearts they were actually prostitutes who offered a visiting service, at a price.

With 2 hookers ordered, we got back down to the serious business of getting fried. And as the boys consumed more alcohol and ganja, one by one they fell asleep, cept me. And at 3 am when the hookers knocked on the door they were all pretty much out for the count. What was a poor boy to do..........?

I bottled it, that's what I did! I was savagely smashed, incapable of walking let alone a shag! So whilst the girls tried to beat the door down I kept quiet, laid low, and prayed they'd bugger off. And I certainly didn't have the several hundred Dollars to pay them!

The next morning, having spent a few uncomfortable hours on the floor, asking God for sleep or death, our motley crew regained consciousness, not a pretty sight............

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Spot the Space Shuttle......




Early one morning whilst travelling to a job in North Miami with Alberto(my Columbian buddy, the guy who I caught a lift to work with most days) and Philberto(a Puerto Rican, a real nice guy who was ashamed of people knowing his nationality because of their violent reputation in the 70's) way away in the distance, we could see a Space Shuttle flying through the sky, having recently taken off. We pulled over to get a good look. It was a beautifully clear bright blue Florida sky, and we could see the distinct shape of the Shuttle, the huge jet flames coming from its exaust and the major smoke clouds it had left in it's wake. Although we were some 200 miles from Cape Canaveral, it was still a wonderful sight, and fuelled many UFO dreams for me.
The sky was so bright and blue and clear, just like the "American morning" I had as a child, in front of the mirror in the lounge at the old house, dressed in light blue jeans, playing air guitar and throwing shapes.
Some things never change......

That snake's gonna bite your ass!


When I lived in Coconut Creek, a trailer park in South Florida, in the summer of 1990, I went out to work early one morning, maybe around 6 a.m., and I was surprised to see the dangerous pets unit van outside the neighbours directly opposite ours.

This was akin to a dog warden service run by the local authorities, except it was for more exotic critters.

I thought nothing more about it until I returned home from work. Kieran Murphy, the owner of the trailer, my room mate, had said it had been reported on the local tv news, a woman had been bitten on the bum by an Anaconda, as she sat on the toilet that morning. When the dangerous pet unit finally caught it, it was a full grown snake, measuring over 6 feet long!

Of course we laughed heartily, and thinking about it now it seems like an urban myth, half dreamed.

But when I visited England in August that year much to my great amusement, it was reported in the Sunday Sport newspaper, one of the more mad stories they've printed which was actually true!

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Wildlife weirdness........(that snake probably won't bite your ass)


It's been an odd week for encounters with nature.
Last Saturday I was cycling to a friends house and passed a field with a few horses in it. The field is very close to the river, and as I passed it I saw what I thought was a small bonfire with a considerable plume of smoke coming from it. But there was much dust in the air and the horses were really spooked so I stopped and looked back. It was a mini tornado! Amazing and moving pretty quickly. When I told my friends they gave me a kind of "bullshit" look, but sure enough it was reported to have hit several gardens in the area, trashing gazebos and table brollies and the ilk!
Then on Monday I walked towards my garden and saw a small wet patch on my driveway about a centimetre in diameter. When I looked closely it was a Water boatman! Thrashing about in the drop of water like one leg wouldn't function, so I picked it up very carefully and put it in my pond, where upon it did several victory laps then promptly dived into the mud. And yep it's official, this Boatman has been renamed "Lucky"!
It puzzled me tremendously for a while, till I figured a bird (probably a Gull as there were a few about)had probably dropped it from it's beak. Well, you got a better idea?

At this point I began to wonder whether reading Crowley's Eight lectures on Yoga was such a good idea!

Then this morning whilst cycling and enjoying England's beautiful summer weather I passed the canal, and saw something odd swimming in the water. I got off my bike and looked closer and realised it was an Adder enjoying an early morning dip! I pulled my phone out and tried to get some footage, but I'm afraid it's not very clear. That's probably a once in a lifetime experience.
Thank you Shiva.

I've discovered a new species of human too, the cycle snob.
You know the type, flashy light weight bike, fingerless black gloves, tight shorts and shirt, and the ever present what looks like half a boiled egg on the head, the safety helmet!
Frankly I'd rather have a head injury than wear one of those. In fact it looks like you have had a head injury if you wear one!
These people look bloody humourless, hypnotised to a man(and woman). And they look at me like I'm some kind of low life, on my 1973 BSA, well bollox to them!
I cycle cos it's a great way to get around and observe our beautiful world.
Not to make a fashion statement........

Monday, 5 July 2010

Porcelain Young Thing 1............


I visited the UK in the summer of 1990.
It was hot in Blighty, but not as hot as Miami. When I left there it was almost 100 derees Fahrenheit, at 6 p.m.! As the Jumbo took off I had a slurp of JD from my Elvis hip flask, courtesy of Bridie, and looked down at the lightning in the clouds. Oh shit I thought, it's gonna be a bumpy ride and sure enough it was. Just as the Captain told us we could unfasten our seat belts and have a ciggy(yup, you could smoke on planes in those days)we hit turbulence, and as many people had the luggage lockers open, all manner of shite was flying about, and amongst women and kids(and no doubt the odd mans)screams the Captain tried to calm us. Yeah right, I'm totally fucking chilled, just cos the planes free falling a mile in the air, no probs. It literally felt like we were dropping from the sky, the ultimate tummy turner, I had nightmares about it for ages afterwards.

So when I got home I fought off the jetlag for a while, and what better way than a drink with my Irish brother, Mr Campbell. So after much beer and a little Morangie, it's nosebag time and a well earnt kip.

The next day we set forth for the Scottish Highlands. My third favourite place on the planet. Serene and breathtakingly beautiful, with the added bonus of my Scottish brother, Bridie.
He ran a beautiful old Inn by a huge dam. The rooms were cranky and small, but my window faced out towards Wevis and co, and after the first night there after imbibing much whiskey and black hash, courtesy of a fellow called "five finger Eddie"(can't figure the name really, he only had three fingers on one hand)I took to my room to discover a huge full moon hanging in the sky.

After a visit to Skye(a remarkable 50 degrees! Chilly chilly!)a misty magical Isle, it was time for me to head home, on a Greyhound type bus. I had a weekend of work with my band, and was looking forward to kicking some Rock'n'Roll ass.
And hey you know the journey back to London ain't gonna be normal.

The bus was pretty sparse and by the time a bright sunny dawn hit around 4 a.m. just outside of London, there was me, 2 girls with a guy that sounded Swedish and a firey red haired Celt chap. The Celt realising I was awake offered me a swig of his no brand liquor.
Being Americanised and socialable I had a hit. Or 2. And said Swedish chap and one of the gals imbibed too, tho' one of the gals remained in slumber.
Then suddenly the gal who was sleeping got up, looking kindof zombie like. I figured she was sleep walking, and what was the first thing she did? collapse into the lap of the Celt, with her head close to his crotch. Not QUITE the same as the lap of the Gods. I don't think anyway.
So the guy goes over and wakes the gal. The Celt looks delighted but anxious, the gal gets taken back to her seat and promptly resumes the "cousin of death". But not for long, cos soon she's up and about, and who does she land on this time but me.
Oh dear. Oh fuck. A blonde Scandi nymphet has just crashed in my lap, with her head mere millimetres from my cock. Well, don't blame me........

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Well it was 20 years ago today......

Think I'm going to fire up the pyros later. Well heck it is the 4th of July, American Independence day. And it's an unbelievable 20 years since I celebrated July the 4th in Florida.
20 years! It's a bloody lifetime, where did that time go?
Well I guess I spent a lot of that time having a good time.
Dated around 20 women. And tried to love all of them as hard and tenderly as I could.
Played literally hundreds of gigs both solo and with some excellent bands and musos, and enjoyed many rapturous audiences.
Had my own radio show, God there's nothing like hearing your own voice coming out of the wireless. The most glorious ego wank, especially if you're amongst friends who love your kind of Rock'n'Roll.
I shed a number of vices, I'm very pleased to say. Haven't put anything up my nose for probably 15 years, and haven't smoked ciggies for over 2 and a half years, something most of my friends/lovers can't believe. My appetite for Nicotine was almost insatiable, if I wasn't smoking a cig I was rolling one. Would've smoked in my sleep but couldn't stay awake.
I've lost a lot of beautiful people too. I should say they're dead, but if life is an illusion then surely so is death? My Mother, my Father, both of my wonderful brothers, and several really close friends.
I have a pretty successful website. Some 10,000 plus people have visited it, and I've made some great friends as a result, not to mention tracing my family tree back to the 1600's, with help from a beautiful woman from New York.

If I believed in being the emotional type well hell I'd say I had a lot to feel satisfied and happy about.
But fuck that........here's some adventures you might enjoy........